1,001+ Films I’m Glad to Have Seen Before I Die, Vol. 35
Capsule reviews of randomized selections from a very long list of movies that make up my "Personal Canon".
Some things I’ve enjoyed this week!
1. Unwelcome (2022)
A young couple moves to Ireland after a traumatizing event, and they have some unusual neighbors living in the woods behind their house. It makes you wait way too long to see the goblin things (excuse me, the far darrig/redcaps), but as soon as they come in, it’s incredible. They are so fucking cute and so funny! I loved them so much, and I want spend all of time with them! The drama of the story and the thrills of the human home invasion ordeal is actually quite good with some intense moments, but when those little killers are around, there’s no comparison. That’s the movie we want to see. Definitely needed to bring them in earlier, but I still really liked it.
2. Cannon Films Promo Reel ‘86
Short promos for upcoming films from Cannon, many of which were never made, or they were but have been entirely forgotten. Some of these don’t even have a movie idea yet, like one just builds up movie star John Travolta, and says “in his most exciting project yet!” then it ends before saying what the project is. The most mind-blowing moment is the idea of Michael Winner’s Captain America, but all of this is gold!
3. Meat Loaf: Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through (1994 Music Video)
Angelina Jolie plays a runaway teen, and Meat Loaf is an elf who explodes out of a jukebox in a junkyard.
4. The Mad Doctor (1933 Short)* adding to Canon
Pluto is taken by a mad doctor, who wants to splice his head onto a chicken, and Mickey has to make his way through a castle to save him, with all manner of skeletons and scary objects trying to kill him. Disney is definitely going for their own version of Bimbo’s Initiation here, which is perfectly fine because I cannot get enough of that spooky, sadistic style! This is legitimately good as a horror movie.
Personal Canon Entries (movies about fathers edition)
1. Over the Top (1987, Menahem Golan)
Sylvester Stallone plays a truck-driving arm wrestler who reconnects with a rich and spoiled son and shows him an alternative lifestyle, which makes him kinda like Auntie Mame. He’s named Lincoln Hawks, but sometimes Lincoln Hawk (I think he drops the s for his stage name, but it’s never made clear), and one of his match-ups at the end is Hawk vs. Grizzly. Hawk is very sensitive and quiet, practically whispering through the whole movie, but he’s very charming and sweet as a dad trying to atone for past mistakes.
Lots of fun, kinda ridiculous moments throughout to keep things great, like Hawk crashing his truck into a mansion. I was flabbergasted by a scene early on where the kid is at military school, and Hawk (who the kid has never met) shows up to pick him up. The kid asks to see identification that he’s actually his dad, and the colonel in charge of the school is like “Hey! That is uncalled for!” Like, “it’s 1987, we do NOT question a mysterious white man who wants to take away a 12 year old child.”
The arm wrestling finale is overloaded with sweaty masculinity in that magical 1980’s style where it’s actually quite endearing. A man literally drinks motor oil to pump himself up, which is even followed up on later with a quick shot of him using Alka Seltzer. It also pulls off a great deal of genuine tension with the matches! I was curling my toes in suspense! This is really a fantastic movie.
2. Out of the Blue (1980, Dennis Hopper)
Linda Manz is a sullen, punk teen, whose mom is a drug addict, and dad (Dennis Hopper) had crashed into a school bus full of children a few years previous, while drunk-driving a truck. He returns home from prison, and Manz has hopes of the family getting their shit together, but Hopper quickly falls under the influence of his drinking and partying friends, and nothing good ever happens. Relentlessly bleak and depressing, with a powerful and amazing performance from Manz.
3. Eraserhead (1977, David Lynch)
It may be a nightmarish film, but the Lady in the Radiator is so dreamy! Like, I think her image literally influenced what I would find physically attractive later in life. Also, this movie is just uncanny in how deeply and intensely it pulls me in. One of my first cult movie discoveries as a teen!
4. Commando (1985, Mark L. Lester)
Flawless 80’s Arnold action! I command you commandon't miss out on this film! It’s FLAWLESS!!!!
5. The War Zone (1999, Tim Roth)
A teenage boy finds out his sister is having a sexual relationship with their father, and doesn’t know what to do about it. Brutally bleak story that goes to very graphic and disgusting places. This one really made me feel gross, and almost made me throw up. The performances are all low-key, realistic, and amazing, particularly Ray Winstone and Lara Belmont. It reminded me a lot of a Mike Leigh movie, but a thousand times even more depressing, with no humor or hope.
6. Junior (1994, Ivan Reitman)
Obsessed with this movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger is pregnant! That’s the best synopsis of all time, and Arnold is hysterical in it!
7. Body Snatchers (1993, Abel Ferrara)
Excellent companion piece to the '56 and '78 Body Snatchers movies (I like to imagine they all happen concurrently), with a fast pace, good effects, and quite a few disturbing, scary moments!
8. The Witch in the Window (2018, Andy Mitton)
A fairly simple haunted house story with an effective father-son relationship at its center. It gets creepier as it goes, and there was one scene in particular that fully creeped me the fuck out! Just an astoundingly crafted chills-bringer that can’t even be explained because it requires a full 40 minutes of movie to set up. Extremely rewarding, brilliant scene, and the movie continues to be scary and intriguing after it, too. Mitton is a way underrated horror director.
9. The Strange Thing About the Johnsons (2011, Ari Aster)
Great short that is truly a strange, very original take on incest.
10. Happiness (1998, Todd Solondz)
My favorite film about fatherhood. Todd Solondz is the soul mate of the world.
MV. Insane Clown Posse: Fuck My Dad (2017, Kuma and The Shinobi Squad)
Warning for some homophobic lyrics, but I’m just so in love with the bluntness and the anger of this. And another warning, be prepared to see Violent J without makeup! Happy Father’s Day (yesterday)!